I’m having that “social media too loud” feeling again so I think it’s time for another break from Facebook, Instagram, and Reddit. Like there’s just too much information coming in. When there’s too much scrolling, there’s not enough reading, conversation with my family, or hanging out with friends. It fills the time with junk, and then makes me feel like I ate a pile of cotton candy and nothing else.
One of my mental health struggles this past few years (several?), besides grief, has been this toxic achievement culture we live in. I see it, I hate it, and yet it is incredibly hard for me to stop perpetuating it for myself and my kids.
I was always focused on my next raise and promotion at work. My self-worth was defined by whether I got those things and my identity as a “Microsoftie”. And these companies love that and perpetuate that, constantly reminding us how lucky we are to be there and pushing us to wring out every drop of productivity so we can make our execs even more wealthy, while they tell us there is no money for raises. Yes I’m bitter, and yes, this is a champagne problems rant. I know I’m privileged.
As much as I am at peace not working right now, I still feel conflicted about it. I stopped financially providing for our family. We have more expensive, worse health insurance now. I’m “just” a SAHM. College is looming.
And college OMG, talk about the worst part of achievement culture. Admissions to elite colleges has become a ridiculous circus. Kids are expected to take the MOST challenging courses available in high school, get straight As, do original research, volunteer, and find extracurriculars they’re passionate about. And even all that is not “enough” if you’re aiming for the top 20 ranked colleges because there are just more excellent students than spots for them.
As I get older, I’m wondering what the hell is the point? I went to one of those “top” colleges and I absolutely loved it. I found my people, friends to this day, though I didn’t end up becoming a scientist as planned. I got a “good corporate job” and made good money and it’s fine. But I don’t feel deeply fulfilled by that path. I can’t say I want the same for my girls.
I believe most people DON’T feel “deeply fulfilled” by what they do for work. I think it’s a lie we’ve been sold by people who want us to work harder and make money for them.
It’s hard not knowing the future, but I do know I want to enjoy the time I have left with my kids at home. I don’t want that lead up to college to be about stress and cramming in “worthy” activities to create a good resume. I unsubscribed from a couple of online groups about college admissions because they were stressing me out. College is not the goal - A GOOD LIFE is.
I listened to author Jennifer Wallace on a podcast talking about her book Never Enough, which is exactly about this topic and families like mine. I started reading it this morning and I’m excited. Maybe it’ll shed some light on how to opt out of this bullshit while not feeling like I’m compromising my kids’ future.
Part of this time off is finding that middle ground. Yes, kids need guidance and mine would rather play video games all day than study a little more for that year-end chemistry exam. They need to SEE that correlation between putting in effort and getting results, and to learn how to work hard (enough) when warranted.
But we’re not on this earth to “perform” and we’ve fallen into that trap of thinking we are. I certainly don’t know another way to be, but I can learn, even at 48.
AMEN. we have been going through this and maybe erred too much the other direction. but in terms of self actualization and happiness and proceeding at his own pace i think my son is better off and happier now than he would have been if we had gone the other way. every child and family is different. your mileage may vary. early on i think i placed too much of my own self worth on his academic “success” but once i realized he was bright curious very interested and good at learning i stopped pushing as hard for the grades etc. i often felt like i could have used a couple years of “seasoning” before starting college and maybe a couple more before grad school and that seems to be true for our son as well. i feel mostly fulfilled by my job but in the end its a job. and not as important as family friends community and self improvement / enrichment
It feels like a hamster wheel. What makes a good life to everyone is defined differently. It’s subjective. For me, for example, making enough $$ to do what I love - travel- has been my goal. Does it make me happy? Yes. But would I be happy without it? Who knows? The key for your kids, and I think your are an awesome mom, is providing the opportunities and the support. Because it’s entirely likely that one of them may forge a different path to make them happy and it may not be college. I didn’t know that going to college was an option. My parents made it very clear to me that that was what just happened after college. And I am very glad that they did that because I am quite sure I might not have chosen college. Which would’ve put me in a situation, financially, that I wouldn’t be able to do what I love. See? A hamster wheel.